How to Decline Someone’s Offer of Help Gracefully

Hey, my friends. Welcome back to Let’s Encourage One Another.

Have you ever had someone offer some sort of support or help to you that you didn’t necessarily want? But you didn’t know how to say no without hurting their feelings?

I remember when I was pregnant and, you know, people love to celebrate with you and want to encourage you during that time as you prepare for the baby. And the typical ways that people want to help is through meal trains and baby showers. As I thought about both of those options, though, I knew that neither one would really be a good fit for me.

Not meal trains, because I’m a pretty picky eater, and would often prefer a simple bowl of cereal over some elaborate meal, and so the meals others would fix for me would probably go to waste. And not baby showers because I really don’t like being the center of attention at that sort of social gathering, and I honestly didn’t need anything, and so receiving gifts we didn’t need at an event I would be miserable at seemed kind of ridiculous. I knew I had to be clear, yet appreciative of both offers. And even with my best efforts, I’m sure others felt hurt that I said no.

But here’s the thing: it was my choice. Not theirs. And when we are hurting or struggling or need some extra help, we do get to have a say in the matter. We can choose which counselor we want to meet with. We can decide which friends to confide in. We can determine which activities are healthy for us and which ones are not. We look at what’s available to us and we make a choice.

Not everyone is going to understand your choices, and that’s okay. The important thing is that you are letting God lead you in those decisions and that you are staying close to Him. We don’t want to make decisions out of guilt or fear or because we’re mad at someone. But we do want to make smart, healthy, God-honoring decisions when we are hurting. And sometimes that means saying no to someone else.

Last week, we actually talked about how to respond when someone won’t let you help. Because we know when a friend of ours says no to us, we tend to take it personally. But today, we’re flipping that around and talking about how to respond when someone offers help you don’t need or want. In other words, how to gracefully and respectfully decline. Because, again, there are times we really do need to say no to someone’s offer.

The challenge is doing it in a way that is honest, yet appreciative. We don’t want to simply dismiss our friend’s offer and make her feel foolish for asking in the first place. This damages the friendship and will probably push her away from us. She’ll be hesitant to approach us again. But we also don’t need to be accepting offers of help from everyone about everything, especially if we are not ready for it yet or really have no need for it.

Some of us struggle with saying no to anyone about anything. We’re people pleasers and can’t stand the thought of someone being upset with us.

You Have to Be Okay Saying “No”

So before we even get started, before I even share some tips and advice about how to decline someone’s offer of help gracefully, we have to be okay with saying no to someone. I won’t talk about this in-depth here, but if this is an area where you struggle, I want you to journal about these three questions:

Why am I afraid to say no to someone?
What is it costing me (or my family) by always trying to please others?
How would my life be different if I learned how to say no when I needed to?

Okay? So…

Why am I afraid to say no to someone?
What is it costing me (or my family) by always trying to please others?
How would my life be different if I learned how to say no when I needed to?

Take 10 or 20 minutes to think through those and write out your answers. I don’t care if you keep the paper or not, but at least write it down. There’s something about writing something out that helps us process at a deeper level.

I also want to take a moment to remind you that in Matthew 5:37 (NLV), Jesus says, “Let your yes be YES. Let your no be NO.” That implies that it’s okay to say no. There are times when we need to say no. Do you believe that?

Now, some of you might be shy like I was when I was younger, and so saying no to someone seems impossible. It would have felt so disrespectful if I had said no to someone. So ungrateful. I probably wouldn’t have even uttered a word; they would have just taken my silence as a yes.

And, if I’m being completely honest and vulnerable with you, some of the most painful times in my life came because I didn’t know how to say no or stop what was going on. This is such an important skill to have.

If that’s you—if you’re shy or have a hard time saying no—I invite you to practice this first with those closest to you, and then you’ll build up the mental and emotional muscles you need to be able to do the same thing with someone you don’t know quite as well. Start with those you feel safe with. I know it’s hard, but you can do it.

Go back to the idea that you have the right to choose who helps you, how they help you, and when. It may not always work out the way you want it to, but much of the time, you do have a say in the matter. And I believe God will be there to guide you in that.

Okay, so how do we do it? How do we gracefully decline someone’s offer of help?

Be Honest and Realistic About What You Need or Want

The first thing I’m going to encourage you to do is to be honest and realistic about what you need/want.

Back in episode 11, when we were talking about how to ask for help when you need it, I mentioned making a list of ways people can support you. That list would really come in handy here. Because we need to know what is going to be helpful and what’s not.

You might need some time to figure this part out. Maybe you don’t know what’s going to be helpful. That’s okay. But take time to think about it. Think back about past scenarios and how others were able to come alongside you. What helped you? What didn’t? Start there.

But this is what I need you to know: it doesn’t do any good to say yes to help someone else feel good when it’s going to make you miserable or just make things worse. It’s better to be honest upfront than to say yes when you don’t want to. Because what’s going to happen after that? You’re either going to go back to them and say no, or you’re going to start ignoring their messages because you really don’t want their help right now, or you’re going to let them go through with it and you’ll have to deal with the ramifications of that.

Let’s say that you struggle with depression and your friend offers to come over and be with you. While you know it’s important for you to be around others and not isolate yourself all the time, the truth is that tonight, you really just want to be by yourself. Maybe you have a social day planned tomorrow, and to gear up for that, you need to be on your own tonight. It’s important for you to recognize that and be honest about it. Because if you’re not, it’s only going to make things harder for you.

Proverbs 24:26 (NLT) says, “An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship.” So be honest. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Value your friendship enough to be honest with her and trust that she’ll be okay with your answer.

Keep Your Response Simple

Second, keep it simple. You don’t have to give a big explanation as to why you are declining their offer. A simple, “No, but thank you” should be enough. If that doesn’t feel comfortable, you could say something like, “I really appreciate your offer, that means a lot to me, but that’s not something I need right now.”

If you can honestly and realistically counter their offer with a different option, feel free to do that. In our example, you could say, “Thanks, but I’d rather be by myself tonight. Would you be able to come over on Friday instead?” But, if that feels like too much, if you don’t know that you can commit to something else, then keep it at a simple, “No, thanks.” That’s completely okay. That’s enough.

Sometimes our friend hears this and thinks we’re just trying to be polite, and so they insist on doing it anyway. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe they are doing it sincerely, out of care for you. They probably don’t know that you have a big day planned tomorrow. But don’t feel like you need to say yes just to appease them. Just repeat your answer, “No, thanks.” And if you need to, excuse yourself from the conversation. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Now, realistically, some people aren’t going to accept your answer. They’re going to ask if you want a coffee, and you say no, and they are going to bring you one anyway. They’re going to ask if you need some new clothes, and you say no, and they’re going to drop some off anyway. They’re going to ask if you want a meal, and you say no, and they’re going to make you one anyway.

I know it can be frustrating. It can feel disrespectful. The majority of the time, I honestly believe that when someone we love is hurting, we feel like we have to do something. And these are our little attempts to try to help. We don’t mean any harm.

So if someone does this for you, try to take a deep breath and just accept it. You don’t have to drink the coffee. You don’t have to wear the clothes. You don’t have to eat the meal. But if you can, you can accept the gift with a “thanks” and just let it go. Don’t worry about it.

If it becomes a pattern, or if someone goes far beyond what you’ve said no to… if they are making decisions on your behalf or truly meddling or getting in the way, that takes a hard conversation, an honest conversation, where you let them know that they need to stop. Because what they are doing isn’t helpful, and it might actually be hurting you as you try to heal.

So, how do you decline someone’s offer of help gracefully? By being honest about what you need and keeping your response simple.

Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

And realize, it’s okay to say no. While you might need some feedback or advice from others, you are ultimately the one who gets to decide how you are going to heal or process a particular thing. And by being honest about what you need, you help guide others into knowing how they can support you.

So, is there someone you need to say no to today? Or maybe, by listening to this episode, you realize that someone else has been trying to say no to you and you need to respect that. Whatever the case, I pray that this episode has given you some insight when it comes to caring for those around us who are hurting.

I know some of this feels hard. But you can do it, my friend. You can reach out, you can care, and you can support others in a way that is respectful of their preferences and needs. I’m so glad you’re willing to learn about this with me. It shows great courage and strength. And I’m glad you’re here.

We’ve got an interview coming next week about trauma and how that impacts how we care for one another, and then we’ll jump back into our series about how to respond in different situations.

Until next time…