How to Tell the Difference Between Healing and Avoiding

Hey, my friend. There’s a question many of us carry quietly: “Am I actually healing… or am I just not dealing with this?”

It’s a vulnerable question. And often, we’re afraid to ask it—because we don’t want the answer to mean we’ve failed.

Have you been there? I know I have. I’ve had others who doubted me, who thought I was just avoiding the pain. They couldn’t believe that I had really healed so quickly from something I experienced. And I’ve also thought I was healed from something when I was actually burying it deep, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.

But here’s what I want you to hear from the very beginning: Wondering about this does not mean you’re doing something wrong. It usually means you’re paying attention.

So let’s talk a little more about this question: why it comes up, what healing actually feels like, and why sometimes avoiding isn’t necessarily wrong.

Why This Question Comes Up in the First Place

First, let’s talk about why this question comes up. It usually shows up when:

• Something resurfaces that you thought you’d already worked through
• You’ve done “all the right things,” but something still feels tender
• You’re functioning well on the outside, but unsettled on the inside

And often, the tension isn’t between healing and failure. It’s between healing and protection.

Do you realize that avoidance often means we are protecting ourselves from something? I avoid touching hot stoves because I don’t want to get burned. I avoid walking alone at night because I don’t want to be taken by a stranger. I avoid driving my car with less than half a tank of gas because I don’t want to run out and be stranded on the side of the road.

What Avoiding Often Looks Like (And Why It Makes Sense)

Avoidance often gets a bad reputation. But avoidance is often the way your nervous system says, “This feels like too much right now.”

Avoidance can look like:

• Staying busy instead of being present
• Jumping to lessons or meaning too quickly
• Over-spiritualizing pain
• Intellectualizing emotions instead of feeling them

And none of this means you’re dishonest or immature. It usually means you learned how to survive. Because that’s what avoiding can help you to do: survive. Live another day.

Do any of these feel familiar? What might avoidance look like for you?

What Healing Actually Feels Like (Beyond the Myths)

So now, let’s turn and consider, what does healing actually look like? We’re often taught that healing looks like:

• Closure
• Constant peace
• Emotional neutrality

But healing is rarely that tidy. Healing often feels like:

• Being honest about our emotions, not feeling less
• Increased capacity to talk about something or be around something—not immediate comfort
• Feeling without urgency to fix or explain
• A growing sense of internal safety, even when things still ache

A Key Difference: Spaciousness vs. Management

One of the clearest differences between healing and avoiding is this: Healing creates space. Avoidance requires management.

When you’re healing:

• You don’t have to monitor yourself as closely
• Emotions can rise and fall without panic
• You’re less afraid of what might come up

When you’re avoiding:

• You’re constantly managing your thoughts or emotions
• You’re afraid of “opening the door” because you don’t know if it will make you go into a spiral of fear or despair
• Peace feels fragile, like it could disappear if you look too closely

So let me give you a tangible example. For me, safety is a really big deal. And I used to be so very consumed by it, always on guard, keeping an eye out, creating safety plans in my mind for all the scenarios my fearful mind came up with.

But I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not paranoid about it. I’m just prepared. I have some basic plans in place, and I’m trusting God to lead me in any specific situation that might arise.

Do you see the difference? It’s not consuming my thoughts all the time. It’s in its proper place.

Why We Avoid

My friend, I need you to hear this, okay? Avoidance is often a sign that something once felt overwhelming. Which means that sometimes avoidance isn’t a refusal to heal. It’s a request for safety.

What does that safety look like for you? What do you need to be able to stop avoiding something and take a gentle step toward it? Pause and write it down. If you don’t know, ask God to reveal that to you.

How Journaling (Gently) Fits Into This

Now, journaling can be part of healing. Absolutely. I’ve seen so many women move toward healing as they meet with God on the pages of their journals.

But it can also feel like too much when your nervous system isn’t ready. When you don’t feel safe.

If journaling brings clarity, even when it’s emotional, that often aligns with healing. But if it brings dread, panic, or shutdown, that may be a sign to slow down or seek support.

What has journaling felt like for you lately—supportive, overwhelming, neutral? Pay attention to that. That’s a good signal to you about how you need to move forward.

If you’ve been wondering whether you’re healing or avoiding, I created a gentle self-assessment called Is This Still Affecting Me?

It isn’t about labeling yourself. It’s about giving language to your experience—without pressure to act or change anything right away. You can find it at lovedoesthat.org/stillaffecting.

My friend, healing is not necessarily about bravery. It’s about safety. And avoidance doesn’t mean you’re stuck forever. It often means you’re waiting for the right support, the right pace, the right kindness toward yourself. And there is absolutely no shame in that. What might that safety look like for you? I pray that God would show that to you so that, with His help, you can take that next step forward.

RELATED EPISODES:

• Episode 131: Healing in Layers: What Art Taught Me About Grief
• Episode 147: The Flip-Out Rule in Journaling
• Episode 178: Exploring Our Stories One Piece at a Time