“Mom, I need a tank top!”
“Okay, borrow one of mine.”
“Mom, I’m out of body wash.”
“You can use my soap until we get you some more.”
“Mom, I can’t find my brush.”
“Go ahead and use mine.”
My daughter is now at the age where she is starting to share and borrow some of my things. And most of the time, it’s completely okay.
But I will admit that there are some things she asks to use that I am a lot more reluctant to say “yes” to.
Like some of my art supplies.
Or my favorite chocolate.
Or my seat on the couch.
Why is it that I hold these things more closely than the others?
It’s a question I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. And I’ve been paying more attention to other places where I might be feeling possessive, too.
So I thought I might explore this idea together with you today. What are you feeling possessive of—and why? And what might God be inviting us to do with it?
Definition of “Possessive”
It’s always good to start with understanding what a word means if we want to talk about it together. So let’s get on the same page about the definition of possessive and what it might look like.
The word possessive indicates a feeling of jealously guarding or protecting something.
You might notice that the word possessive is very close to the word possession. And that’s because we can often view something as rightfully ours—whether that “something” is a physical item, a job, or a person.
Overall, our possessiveness indicates there is something we value or want to protect.
Things We Get Possessive Of
So what types of things do we get possessive of? I’ve already named some of mine, but let’s explore some more.
- A special item—a Bible, a tea set, a phone, a purse, a dress, certain skin care products, coffee.
- A relationship—our best friend, our spouse, our mentor.
- A space—where we have our quiet time, our bedroom, our office.
- A role or position we hold—Bible study leader, supervisor, assistant.
Whatever it is, you don’t like sharing it. You want it all to yourself and you get either fearful or anxious or even angry when someone else seemingly invades your territory or uses your item.
As I’ve thought more about this, I’ve recognized a few different reasons we might feel possessive of something or someone. I wonder which one resonates most with you.
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Possessiveness Might Point to Past Hurts or Wounds
First, I think possessiveness might point to past hurts or wounds that we carry around.
If you had a boyfriend or someone who cheated on you in the past, you’re more likely to be possessive and wary of your husband being away from you.
If you had a roommate steal from you, you’re more likely to keep a close eye on your possessions and money to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Those wounds impact the way we live even today. Do you notice them? Do you pay attention to them?
Is there something from your past causing you to be possessive of something or someone in your life right now?
Possessiveness Might Signal Jealousy
Second, I think there are times when possessiveness might signal jealousy.
Honestly, that’s probably the first thing we think of, right? It’s part of our definition of being possessive: “jealously guarding or protecting something.”
And when we are jealous in that sense, it indicates there is some sort of competition going on, at least in our mind. And it very much becomes an “us versus them” mentality, and we want to win at all costs.
We easily think of relationships as being a place where we become jealous: jealous of the time others get to spend with our spouse or friend, jealous of the woman who seems to get the lion’s share of your Bible study leader’s attention, jealous of the friendships we see around us, friendships we wish we had.
Where might you be feeling jealous? And how might that be showing itself as possessiveness? Are you possessive of your spouse, friend, or another person in an unhealthy way?
Possessiveness Might Signal Fear
And third, there are times when possessiveness might signal fear.
I think back to those who went through the Great Depression, and how they often saved a lot of things in case they needed them “someday.”
When possessiveness signals fear, it means we’re often afraid of losing something. There’s a mindset of scarcity and fear.
Maybe there’s a fear that something special and unique will get broken, and so we don’t let our children play with or near that item so it won’t get ruined.
Or a fear that our friend will start liking someone else better than us and we’ll lose their friendship, so we don’t invite other women to join the two of us for coffee, but instead, keep them at arm’s length.
Or a fear that we’ll lose our job and not be able to provide for our family, and so we don’t train anyone else to do what we do, in an attempt to secure our job for ourselves.
What might you be afraid of in your possessiveness?
Possessiveness Might Signal Selfishness
And honestly, sometimes our possessiveness simply signals our own selfishness. “I bought that skincare product for myself and I don’t want you to use it.” Or, “That’s my favorite chocolate and I don’t want to share it with you.” Or even, “That’s my chair. Go sit somewhere else.”
Even though it sounds petty at times, this kind of possessiveness can actually begin to destroy relationships, because we’re never willing to share. We’re always thinking about ourselves instead of the other person.
How to Approach Our Possessiveness
So we’ve looked at a few things we might be possessive of and some reasons we might feel that possessiveness: it might point to a past hurt or wound, or it might signal jealousy, fear, or selfishness.
What do we do once we begin to recognize these things?
I think we need to ask God what is prompting our possessiveness and then ask Him to help us deal with that underlying issue.
If we’re possessive because of past experiences, we need to ask Him for healing.
If we’re possessive because we’re jealous or selfish, we need to ask Him to change our heart.
If we’re possessive because we’re afraid, we need to ask Him to love that fear out of us.
Because if we don’t deal with possessiveness, my friend, we will not only hurt the relationships we’re in, but we’ll also hurt our own hearts in the process, by continuing in these unhealthy places: fear and jealousy and selfishness and hurt. I, for one, don’t want to live in that place.
And so I make an intentional effort not to be possessive, but instead to be generous and willing to share. I want to hold my physical items loosely, and even though I value my relationships, I also want others to know these amazing people I know and love. And that means I need to be willing to share them, in appropriate ways, with others.
Journal Prompt: What are you feeling possessive of?
This week in your journal, I just want you to focus on that first question from today: What are you feeling possessive of?
Pay attention throughout your week and take note when that feeling of possessiveness sneaks into your heart. What is going on? What is the object of your possessiveness? What is it that you value about that or that you want to protect?
Write it down and, as God leads, seek to follow His heart for you to be more generous and loving with what you have.
A Prayer:
God, we don’t like to acknowledge places where we are sinning or falling short in what You have called us to be. Yet we have to confess there are areas of possessiveness in our lives that are hurting us and the relationships You have given us. Forgive us for this and help us turn to You as we seek to become more generous with our time, possessions, and relationships. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
RELATED EPISODES + RESOURCES:
- Episode 130: Is Your Hurt Preventing You From Loving Others Well?
- Episode 135: Identifying Signs You’re Not Doing Well (And What You Can Do About It)
- Episode 98: Grief Has A Way Of… Well, Getting In The Way: A Personal Letter From Me To You
Coming close to your grief and entering into it can be scary. Overwhelming, even.
Journal Gently is an 8-week program designed to help you bring your hurt to God on the pages of your journal in a gentle and graceful way, whether your hurt includes grief, trauma, anxiety, depression, chronic illness, loneliness, and more.