When Talking Doesn’t Help

In an online forum, someone shared this:

I hear it all the time: “talk about it,” “talk to someone,” “don’t suffer in silence.” In the media, it often is made to seem like just talking about depression will make it all better.

The intentions are good, and maybe it’s just me, but I haven’t found “talking about it” to be very helpful. At best, I feel temporarily a bit more understood, and at worst I feel embarrassed and regret saying anything at all.

But either way, then the conversation is over, and everything is the same. I feel just as depressed and hopeless, and nothing changes. Life goes on, and I’m all alone with my thoughts and problems again.

Can you relate?

When you are going through something like betrayal, depression, or deep grief, it can be hard to talk about what is going on inside of you. And I dare to say, there are times when talking doesn’t actually help the situation.

I remember when I struggled with depression in college, and every time I talked about it, it just seemed to make things worse. I felt alone. I felt like no one understood. I felt like I should be able snap out of it and move on.

Talking was not helpful to me. Have you been there?

Even now, when I try to share about past experiences I’ve been through, it seems I only make a muddle of things, and it leaves me feeling worse than before.

Now, this is not to steer you away from talking to others about what you are going through. We are called to be there for one another and support one another, and I obviously believe in the power of counseling and coaching and spiritual direction.

And some of you may not even relate to this at all. For you, you talk things out to process them. It’s just how God has designed you.

Yet I also recognize there are times when, for some of us, talking about an experience we’ve been through just doesn’t seem to help. And it is to those specific situations that I will speak to today. What might cause this? And what can we do in situations like those?

So please keep the context in mind, and let’s ask God to guide us through this conversation and lead us to what we need to know, okay?

Reasons Why Talking May Not Help

Talking can often leave me feeling heavier, more confused, belittled, challenged. I grow frustrated that I can’t express myself and help the other person understand. Sharing a story with a counselor or other trusted individual has never really helped me.

Why? Are other people like me? Do we have to talk about something to move forward from it?

Again, I’m a big supporter of sharing our stories with others when we can. Yet I have to admit, there are times when it doesn’t seem helpful to me.

There are several reasons why talking about something may not be helpful to us. I’m going to explore a few of them together with you, but I also want you to write down anything else that comes to mind for you and your situation. And let’s continue to ask the Lord to guide us here.

When It Keeps You Stuck

The first reason I can think of is that talking about an experience keeps you stuck instead of moving forward in healing.

And when I say that, I mean that you constantly relive the situation, over and over again, without taking steps to move forward from that. Or you start to believe your identity is in that situation instead of in God.

For example, when you’re constantly talking about what so-and-so did to you, and you’re unable to talk about what’s going on in the here and now. What are you doing? What choices are you making? How have you been experiencing God?

At some point, you have to actually do something to move forward. You need to forgive. You need to surrender. You need to take a different job. You need to find new friends and learn to trust again. Does that make sense?

When we rehearse a hurt we’ve been through over and over again, without letting God speak into that situation, we’re really not doing ourselves any good. Instead, we’re reliving it over and over again, and we’re letting it settle deeper into our hearts and minds.

Or let’s say that you were the one who did wrong. You sinned. You hurt somebody else. And sometimes you can talk about that with a mindset of, “I’m horrible. I’m a sinner. I can’t believe I did that. I deserve to carry that shame and guilt with me.” And that’s not helpful, is it? We have to take that to God and receive His forgiveness, receive His healing.

You can tell the difference between these two people, when they share their story: one speaks from condemnation and one speaks from forgiveness. Which one are you? If you are stuck in your story, stuck in the condemnation, talking about it in that way is not going to help.

When You Don’t Have the Right Person Listening

So sometimes talking doesn’t help because it keeps you stuck in your story. There’s no healing, only pain.

Sometimes talking doesn’t help because you don’t have the right person listening. We’ve talked a lot about knowing your people, knowing your stretcher bearers—people you trust, who care about you, who can be there for you.

The truth is, not everyone can handle your story. Not everyone can listen with an open heart and mind. Not everyone will believe what you have to say.

And sometimes, even when they want to listen and help, they don’t understand. They can’t relate. They ask questions that can sometimes feel like judgments or criticisms of your own choices.

And talking to a person like this isn’t just not helpful, it’s entirely frustrating and makes you not want to talk to anyone ever again, right?

Some people will pity you, some will look down on you, some will get too emotional, some will judge you, some will share what you said with other people.

Finding a good person to talk with can be a big challenge. Because not every counselor is going to be a good fit for you. Not every friend is going to have what it takes to listen. It takes time and discernment to keep on trying.

When You Don’t Have the Words

So sometimes, talking doesn’t help because it keeps you stuck in your story. Sometimes it doesn’t help because you’re not talking to the right person.

And sometimes, you simply don’t have the words to describe what you experienced.

How do you express something that cannot be put into words? How do you give voice to something that cannot be uttered?

Even when you have the vocabulary, it doesn’t truly communicate the situation you’ve been through. And so trying to talk about it doesn’t help. You can’t talk about it.

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What Might Be Helpful Instead

I’m not going to pretend that I know what the answer is here, my friend. But I’d like to share a few things with you that have helped me over the years.

First, running to God always helps. Always. Even when He is silent, even when I don’t get the answers I want, simply being in His presence is far more comforting than anything else I’ve ever known.

Second, creative activities, like art or cooking or decorating, can be a way to express what is stirring inside of us when we don’t have the words. Somehow, when we doodle or splash paint against a page or mix up a cookie dough, we are able to work through some of the things we’re feeling and thinking inside without having to say anything out loud.

Third, even when you don’t have the words, simply sitting with a trusted friend can help. You don’t have to talk. They don’t have to talk. Just sit together and let their love for you help to heal the brokenness inside.

And fourth, there’s a quote I heard when I was in college that has stuck with me: “You can’t always forget, but you don’t always have to remember.”

It reminds me of those difficult experiences I’ve been through. You can’t necessarily forget them. They’re a part of you. They’ve impacted who you are today. But you don’t always have to think about them and live in that moment. You can choose to focus on today.

Journal Prompt: What Makes It Hard for You to Talk?

So what makes it hard for you to talk, my friend? Do you find yourself getting stuck in your story? Perhaps you don’t feel you have anyone to talk to. Or maybe, you just don’t have the words. Maybe it’s something else altogether.

Whatever it is, name it before God. That’s your journal prompt this week. Just name it. Write it on a piece of paper and lift it before God. And see what He has to say about it.

Journal Gently

And, my friend, if you are sensing that nudge from God to talk about it with Him, to meet with Him on the pages of your journal and work through this, then I’d love for you to join the Journal Gently program.

This program is specifically designed to help you process grief and trauma together with God through writing. We explore different ways to write about it. We practice some gentle spiritual disciplines that keep us close to God. And we take small, gentle steps of healing, one page at a time.

If you’d like to learn more, you can go to lovedoesthat.org/journalgently. And if you have any questions at all, you can email me at kari@lovedoesthat.org.

Prayer

This week, I offer a simple prayer from Ann Voscamp:

“My God, You are with me. You are with me. You are sufficient. You are enough. You are with me.”

Amen.

RELATED EPISODES:

• Episode 49: Finding Your Stretcher Bearers: The People Who Can Help Carry You Through a Difficult Season
• Episode 51: Who Can I Trust? Distinguishing Between Safe and Unsafe People When You Need Help
• Episode 133: Can You Just Sit With Me? A Conversation About Grief with Natasha Smith
• Episode 154: [Journal Reviews] Guided Journals for Depression and Anxiety

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