Have you ever had someone offer some sort of support or help to you that you didn’t necessarily want, but you didn’t know how to say no without hurting their feelings?
When you are hurting or struggling or need some extra help, you do get to have a say in the matter. You can choose which counselor you want to meet with. You can decide which friends to confide in. You can determine which activities are healthy for you and which ones are not. You look at what’s available to you and make a choice.
In short, you have the power to choose.
Not everyone is going to understand your choices, and that’s okay. The important thing is that you are letting God lead you in those decisions and that you are staying close to Him. You don’t want to make decisions out of guilt or fear or because you’re mad at someone. But you do want to make smart, healthy, God-honoring decisions when you are hurting. And sometimes that means saying no to someone else.
Today, I want to help you learn how to politely decline an offer of help—especially when it comes from someone you love.
Sometimes We Need to Say No
Let’s start with this basic truth: there are times we really do need to say no to someone’s offer.
For whatever reason, their specific offer to help is not going to be helpful to us, so we need to be able to say no. We don’t need to be accepting offers of help from everyone about everything, especially if we are not ready for it yet or really have no need for it.
Let’s imagine that you have to start chemo treatments and you’ve already arranged with a friend to take you. Then someone else volunteers to help drive you, too. Do you need to accept that? Do you need to change all your plans so this other person can drive you? No.
Or what if you are struggling with depression and someone invites you to some big gathering. Do you need to accept that? No, not if it’s not going to be helpful to you. Maybe you know you need to be around other people, but a group that large? That’s only going to make things worse. You’d much prefer a 1-on-1 hang out with a close friend.
Yet some of us feel the need to say yes to whatever help we can get, even if that help really isn’t all that helpful.
I want to take a moment to remind you that in Matthew 5:37 (NLV), Jesus says, “Let your yes be YES. Let your no be NO.” That implies that it’s okay to say no. There are times when we need to say no. Do you believe that?
We Have a Hard Time Saying No
The challenge is declining our friend’s offer to help in a way that is honest, yet appreciative. We don’t want to simply dismiss our friend and make her feel foolish for asking in the first place. This damages the friendship and will probably push her away from us. She’ll be hesitant to approach us again.
But why do we have such a hard time saying no?
It might be because you’re shy like I was when I was younger. Saying no to someone seemed impossible. It would have felt so disrespectful, so ungrateful. I probably wouldn’t have even uttered a word; they would have just taken my silence as a yes.
It might be because you’re a people pleaser or can’t stand the thought of someone being upset with you. You take on the emotions of others, and when they are disappointed or hurt, you feel it deeply. Maybe you even take ownership of that.
It might be because you lost the power of your voice. You’ve not felt like you could say no before. That if you tried to say no, you would be ignored or belittled or shoved aside, like you really didn’t know what was best for you.
Which one is it for you? Or does something else come to mind? Why is it hard for you to say no?
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Three Tips to Help You Say No Politely
Okay, once we identify what makes it so hard for us to say no to someone, we’ve got to set out to figure out how to do it. How do we politely, gracefully decline someone’s offer of help?
#1: Practice With Those Closest to You
The first thing I’m going to encourage you to do is to practice this with those closest to you.
Here’s why: you will build up the mental and emotional muscles you need to be able to do the same thing with someone you don’t know quite as well.
There have been several episodes where we’ve talked about making a list of people who can support you, who can carry you through difficult seasons. That list would really come in handy here. Because they are people you already feel safe with.
For me, I can say no to someone I trust because I know they care about me and want what is best for me. I know our relationship will survive. I know they won’t get mad or take it personally.
And while you’re practicing with those closest to you, start with the small things. When you’re having a rough day and your spouse offers to take you out to eat but you really don’t want to, say, “No, thanks. I think I’d rather stay home tonight.” If you have a headache and someone offers to drive you home, but you’re worried it will make you feel more sick, say, “No, thank you.”
Go back to the idea that you have the right to choose who helps you, how they help you, and when. It may not always work out the way you want it to, but much of the time, you do have a say in the matter. And I believe God will be there to guide you in that.
#2: Be Honest and Realistic About What You Need
The second thing I’m going to encourage you to do is to be honest and realistic about what you need and want. Because we need to know what is going to be helpful and what’s not.
You might need some time to figure this part out. Maybe you don’t know what’s going to be helpful. That’s okay. But take time to think about it. Think back about past scenarios and how others were able to come alongside you. What helped you? What didn’t? Start there.
But this is what I need you to know: it doesn’t do any good to say yes to help someone else feel good when it’s going to make you miserable. It’s better to be honest upfront than to say yes when you don’t want to.
Because what’s going to happen after that? You’re either going to go back to them and say no, or you’re going to start ignoring their messages because you really don’t want their help right now, or you’re going to let them go through with it and you’ll have to deal with the ramifications of that.
Proverbs 24:26 (NLT) says, “An honest answer is like a kiss of friendship.” So be honest. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Value your friendship enough to be honest with her and trust that she’ll be okay with your answer.
#3: Keep It Simple
And third, I would encourage you to keep it simple. You don’t have to give a big explanation as to why you are declining their offer. A simple, “No, but thank you” should be enough.
If that doesn’t feel comfortable, you could say something like, “I really appreciate your offer, that means a lot to me, but that’s not something I need right now.”
Yet I warn you against using fancy phrases here, like “It’s really tempting, but…” or “I really shouldn’t…” or “I can’t this time…” Because all too often, that will lead your friend to try again or keep pushing you to accept. In other words, it tends to open the door to negotiations, when all you really want to do is decline.
Keep it at a simple, “No, thanks.” That’s completely okay. That’s enough.
Sometimes our friend hears this and thinks we’re just trying to be polite, and so they insist on doing it anyway. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe they are doing it sincerely, out of care for you. But don’t feel like you need to say yes just to appease them. Just repeat your answer, “No, thanks.” And if you need to, excuse yourself from the conversation. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
By the way, your tone of voice makes a huge difference here. Be gentle, and be loving. But be firm. “No, thank you.” You can even try to look at them with appreciation in your eyes, showing them just how much their offer means to you. But don’t feel like you need to give a big explanation. Keep it at a simple, “No, thanks.”
When They Ignore Your Answer
Now, realistically, some people aren’t going to accept your answer. They’re going to ask if you want a coffee, and you say no, and they are going to bring you one anyway. They’re going to ask if you need some new clothes, and you say no, and they’re going to drop some off anyway. They’re going to ask if you want a meal, and you say no, and they’re going to make you one anyway.
I know it can be frustrating. It can feel disrespectful. Yet the majority of the time, I honestly believe that when someone we love is hurting, we feel like we have to do something. And these are our little attempts to try to help. We don’t mean any harm.
So if someone does this for you, try to take a deep breath and just accept it. You don’t have to drink the coffee. You don’t have to wear the clothes. You don’t have to eat the meal. But if you can, accept the gift with a simple “thanks” and just let it go. Don’t worry about it.
If it becomes a pattern, or if someone goes far beyond what you’ve said no to… if they are making decisions on your behalf or truly meddling or getting in the way or crossing your boundaries, that takes a hard conversation, an honest conversation, where you let them know that they need to stop. Because what they are doing isn’t helpful, and it might actually be hurting you as you try to heal.
Putting It into Practice
So, how do you decline someone’s offer of help politely? By practicing with those you love and trust, by being honest about what you need, and by keeping your response simple.
Let your yes be yes and your no be no.
And realize, it’s okay to say no. While you might need some feedback or advice from others, you are ultimately the one who gets to decide how you are going to heal or process a particular experience. And by being honest about what you need, you help guide others into knowing how they can support you.
So, is there someone you need to say no to today? Or maybe, by listening to this episode, you realize that someone else has been trying to say no to you and you need to respect that. Whatever the case, I pray that this episode has given you some insight when it comes to caring for those around us who are hurting.
I know some of this feels hard. But you can do it, my friend. You can reach out, you can care, and you can support others in a way that is respectful of their preferences and needs. I’m so glad you’re willing to learn about this with me. It shows great courage and strength. And I’m glad you’re here.
Journal Prompts
I have three powerful questions for you to journal about regarding this. They’re not necessarily easy ones. Are you ready?
- Why am I afraid to say no to someone?
- What is it costing me (or my family) by always trying to please others?
- How would my life be different if I learned how to say no when I needed to?
Take 10 or 20 minutes to think through those and write out your answers. I don’t care if you keep the paper or not, but at least write it down. There’s something about writing something out that helps us process at a deeper level.
And then, whatever you discover, talk to God about it. See what His invitation might be for you in this kind of situation. Is it to trust Him more deeply? Is it to be more honest and upfront in relationships? Is it to face a fear you have, with Him by your side?
Want More Practical Teaching?
Has this episode been helpful to you? I always want to offer both biblical truths and practical tips, especially when it comes to caring for those who are hurting—whether that is you or someone else.
If you’d like more of this, I invite you to grab a copy of my book entitled Courageous Care. In it, I walk you through a simple but powerful framework for discerning how and when to help those around you who are going through difficult seasons. You can find it on Amazon. To go right to it, just go to lovedoesthat.org/care.
Prayer
God, we thank You when You send people who love us and want to help when we are hurting. That means so much to us. We ask for Your help in discerning what is truly helpful and being able to say “no, thanks,” when their offer to help doesn’t really line up with what our hearts and souls need in that moment. Teach us to live out Your invitation to us to let our yes be yes and our no be no, to live with integrity in our words and actions. In Jesus’ name, we pray, amen.
RELATED EPISODES + RESOURCES:
- Episode 11: How to Ask for Help When You Need It
- Episode 49: Finding Your Stretcher Bearers: The People Who Can Help Carry You Through a Difficult Season
- Episode 70: What to Do When You Don’t Have Anyone to Encourage You, When It Seems No One Cares
- Episode 78: Tips for When You’re Afraid of Being Misunderstood
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